Smile-lines (from
Tricia)
**
Christmas cards
A
friend of ours waited until the last minute to send
Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 people on her list.
So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50
cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and
signed them without reading the message inside.
On
Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she
happened to come across the one leftover card and
finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her
friends. Much to her dismay, it read like this:
This card
is just to say a little gift is on the way.
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends
were expecting a gift from her.
**
The name of God....
A little boy died and arrived at the gate of heaven.
There he met an angel.
“Before you come in, can you tell me God’s name?”
said the angel.
“Oh, that's easy,” the little boy replied, “His
name is Harold.”
“What make you think his name is Harold?” the
angel asked incredulously.
The little boy explained:
“Because at Christmas we sing
‘Hark while Harold’s angels sing...” and also,
when we pray, we say:
‘Our Father in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name...’
**
Camels
In
Jane’s Christmas drawing, two of the camels were
approaching the inn, over which was pictured a huge
star. The
third camel and its rider were going directly away from
it. “Why is
the third man going in a different direction?” her
mother asked.
Jane replied, “Oh, he’s looking for a place to
park.”
**
Paying for it
By the
time we pay off this year’s Christmas presents, it will
be time to pay for next summer’s holiday.
**
Warning
A local priest and a pastor stood by the side
of the road holding up a sign that said, ‘The End is
Near! Turn
yourself around now - before it's too late!’ They held
up the sign as a car approached.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the
driver as he sped by.
A moment later, from around the curve, they heard
a big splash.
"Do you think," said the priest, "we should just
put up a sign that says 'bridge down' instead?"
**
Christmas presents
Catching her in the act, I confronted our
3-year-old granddaughter.
"Are you opening your little sister’s presents?”
I demanded.
"No," she innocently replied, "I'm just helping
her share."
**
Virgin mother
A
ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by
asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The
Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
**
Where is the baby?
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his nursery teacher about the
baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements
of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped
telling his teacher about the impending event. The
teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother
or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think
Mummy ate it!"
**
Red
What goes red white red
white red white?
Santa rolling down a hill.
**
Prompting
The
boy forgot his lines in the Christmas Sunday School
drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row
tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming the words
silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's
memory was blank.
Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue,
"I am the angel Gabriel!”
The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a
loud, clear voice so that everyone in the congregation
could hear said, "My Mommy is the angel Gabriel!”
**
Angels, explained by children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and
Harold. -
Gregory, age 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear
halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working
on it.
- Olive, age 9
**
Turkey
It was
Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously
picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope
of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant
and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
He replied:
“No, sorry, they’re all dead."
**
Christmas pageant
My three children were in the Christmas pageant. I was
so proud. My daughter was playing Mary.
One son was a shepherd. And my other son was a
Wise Man. My
shepherd son had practised his lines over and over, but
when the time came, he was nervous and said, "We found
the babe wrapped in wrinkled clothes."
To which Mary replied, "That's not wrinkled clothes,
that's dirty rotten clothes!" Giggles from the audience
followed, but the play went on.
My Wise Man son, wearing his father's bath robe
and paper crown knelt by the manger and said, "We are
the three Wise Men and we are bringing gifts of gold,
common sense and fur."
**
Turkey says
What does a turkey say? "Gobble, gobble, gobble," right? Not always!
A jewelry-lovin' turkey? - "Bauble bauble bauble"
A dyslexic turkey? - "Boggle
boggle boggle"
A turkey in the shoe repair shop? -
"Cobble cobble cobble"
A turkey with a sore leg? -
"Hobble hobble hobble."
A football turkey? - "Huddle,
huddle, huddle"
A dieting turkey? - "Nibble, nibble nibble."
A turkey who argues a lot? -
"Squabble squabble squabble."
What does Dr. Seuss' turkey say? - "Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle
wobble hobble gobble."
Then there was the dizzy
Turkey
who just went:
"Wobble wobble wobble!"
**
Christmas turkey
So a gentleman walks into a
restaurant and asks the maitre d', "Can you please tell
me how you prepare your Chrsitmas turkeys?"
To which the
maitre d' replies, "Yes. We let them know right up front
they're not going to make it."
**
Wiped out
Just got home and found all the windows and doors open
and everything has gone.
What kind of sick twisted person does that to someone’s
advent calendar?
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