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St Mary's Jokes Page
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Send me a joke or funny story and I will include it on
this page.
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From Edna
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse
me,
Your
Holiness,'
says
the
driver,
'Would
you
please
take
your
seat
so
we
can
leave?'
'Well, to tell
you the truth,'
says the Pope,
'they never let
me drive at the
Vatican when I
was a cardinal,
and I'd really
like to drive
today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness,
but I cannot let you do
that. I'd lose my job! What
if something should happen?'
protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that
morning.
'Who's
going to tell?' says the Pope with a
smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back
as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision
when, after exiting the airport, the
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo
to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is
German.)
'Please slow
down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to
the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear
God, I'm going to lose my license -- and
my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope
pulls over and rolls down the window as
the cop approaches, but the cop takes
one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to
talk to the Chief,' he says to the
dispatcher.
The Chief
gets on the radio and the cop tells him
that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust
him,' says the Chief.
'I don't
think we want to do that, he's really
important,' said the cop.
The Chief
exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean
really important,' said the cop with a
bit of persistence.
The Chief
then asked, 'Who do you have there, the
mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said
the Chief, 'who is it?'
The Chief is
even more puzzled and curious, 'What
makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His
chauffeur is the Pope!'
From Edna S.
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting
room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed
that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
From Edna S.
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a
question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get
his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit
a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so
sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder
would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry;
it's entirely my fault! Today is my very first day
driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past
25 years."
From Bob H.
If you are a pensioner you will understand this one. If
you deal with
pensioners, this should help you understand them a
little better. If you
are not a pensioner yet, God willing, someday you will
be....
The £2.99 Special
An elderly couple went to breakfast at a restaurant
where the
'pensioner's' special' was two eggs, bacon, sausage,
beans and toast for
£2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the
eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three pounds and
forty-nine pence because
you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my
wife asked
incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the
two eggs home and
baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH PENSIONERS!!!
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From Richard :- |
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How about this one –“Will all those of you who believe
in telekinesis raise my hand!”
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From Andrew and Sarah :- |
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Andrew's nephew believed that there was a hymn
entitled."Jesus shall Resign".
Seriously - true!
A friend of Sarah's school years ago had a brother
who thought that there was a Christmas Carol that
began."Once in Roy and David's City" To explain -
the brother was called "David" and the father was
"Roy" - no wonder the boy got that one wrong!
A choir boy they worked with years ago thought
that there was a hymn "For all the saints
who from their neighbours rest".
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LOST
IN B&Q
Two
guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their
carts around B & Q Building Supply
when they collide.
The
old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going.'
The
young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each
other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she's 24 yrs old, tall,
with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big
boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra What does your wife look
like?'
The
old timer says.... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for
Yours..'
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THE
OBEDIENT WIFE!!! |
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There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved
all his money and was a real miser. Just before he died,
he said to his wife, ' When I die, I want you to put all
my money in my coffin with me. I want to take my money
with me to the afterlife.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all her
heart, that when he died she would put all his money in
the coffin with him.
Well he died. He was lying in his coffin, and his wife
was sitting there all dressed in black with her friend
sitting next to her. Just as the undertakers were about
to close the lid, the wife said 'Wait just a minute' and
she placed a small metal box in the coffin. Then the
undertakers closed the lid and took him away. Her friend
said 'Look, I know you're not fool enough to put all
that money in the coffin. The wife said 'I made a
promise, so I collected all the money and put it in my
account. Then I wrote him a cheque!!!! If he can cash
it, he can spend it.'
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